A Thousand Deaths
by ilovetvalot
Summary: His children ensured that he was bound to die a thousand deaths - from humiliation. Designed as part of the "In Sickness and In Health" universe, but not necessary to enjoy story. TWOSHOT. Written for SunnyinOregon
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note 1 - This story is a spin-off from our completed epic, "In Sickness or In Health". It's dedicated to our very special fellow author, SunnyinOregon. Chick, I hope you like it and it helps to brighten your day. It will be two chapters.**

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**A Thousand Deaths**

**Chapter One**

David Rossi had stared death in the face countless times. Whether he was forcing confessions from the worst society had to offer humanity or leading some of the most ruthless men La Familia had ever seen into the light, he'd faced down his foes with a lethal ferocity honed by many years of experience. He was a man admired by a few, but feared by a great many. Courage and conviction were his middle names.

Why the hell hadn't anybody ever told his kids that?

And more important than that, why hadn't anyone ever told him that having children would be the most dangerous job he'd ever even think of having?

Grabbing the pillow from his son's hands just seconds before it was certain to land upside his daughter's head, Dave ordered, "Henry, what did I tell you about hitting your sister?"

"But Daddy, she started it!" Henry whined, his hand on his hip in a perfect imitation of his father.

"It doesn't matter, son," Dave said with a sigh, staring down into the perfect blue eyes that were an exact copy of his mother's, "We're men. We don't hit girls. Remember?"

Just as the words came out of his mouth, he grunted as he felt a sharp sting against his ankle. Looking down, he watched as his daughter growled and raised the wooden spoon in her hand, taking perfect aim for his leg once again.

When had his daughter become armed with kitchen implements?

Making a grab for the wooden spoon in Marina's entirely too capable hands, Dave frowned. "Where did you get that, young lady?" he asked sternly as the little wonder that was his daughter easily avoided relinquishing her weapon.

"Mine!" she yelped, as the spoon connected painfully with his ankle. "Mine! Mine! Mine!" she chanted, her blows landing in quick succession as her father gasped in pain.

"Son of a bi-," Dave growled.

"Don't say it, daddy," Henry warned, shaking his blonde head in a perfect imitation of his mother. "Mama said you'd get the soap, too!" he informed the man now balancing on one foot in the kitchen.

"Biscuit," Dave grimaced, rubbing his abused ankle. "I was gonna say biscuit, son," Dave managed as he reached for a nearby chair.

"Were not," four year old Henry Rossi said sagely.

When did his kids become smarter than him, Dave asked himself desperately.

"Want mama!" his two and a half year old daughter demanded, her cheeks reddening with fury as she gazed up at her father. "Want mama NOW!" she yelled obstinately, beating her spoon against the floor in a surprisingly good rhythm.

Clearing his throat as he gingerly lowered his foot back to the kitchen floor and looked between his two children, he began authoritatively, "Look, guys, I already told you that Mama would be home tonight, remember?"

"You said that last night," Marina retorted, climbing back to her sturdy feet, her wooden weapon held tightly in her chubby fingers.

"No, last night I told you that she'd be home tomorrow," he reasoned with his little girl, his lips twitching as she rolled her sapphire eyes at him.

"It is tomorrow," Henry huffed, stomping his foot.

"But tomorrow isn't over until tonight," Dave said plaintively, realizing that not even HE could understand his convoluted logic. Oh, God, he owed JJ a medal if this was the kind of negotiating she did with their kids on a daily basis. Taking a deep breath, he stared down at his son and daughter, both wearing identical expressions that threatened mayhem of mass proportions if he didn't act fast. "Okay, kids," he said, glancing at the wall clock, "we've officially got about six hours until Aunt Emily and Mama's flight lands."

"How long is that?" Henry frowned, cocking his head and wrinkling his nose.

"Six hours," Dave repeated stupidly. Realizing that the concept of time meant absolutely nothing to his children, he amended, "It's twelve episodes of Sponge Bob." Wincing as Marina promptly burst into tears, wailing at the top of her tiny lungs, "Toooooo longgggg!", Dave groaned, running a hand through his already disheveled hair. Three days without his wife had proven to him beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was ill-equipped to EVER be a single parent.

"Sweetie," Dave sighed as Marina scrambled back to her hiding place under the kitchen table, "It won't be that bad," he lied, knowing full well it WOULDN'T be that bad...it'd be worse.

But he'd be damned if he said that out loud. He'd learned his lesson on that one already.

"I'll get 'er," Henry offered with a long-suffering sigh.

"No!" Dave yelped immediately, remembering his son's so-called help from the previous evening when he'd dragged Marina out from under the table - - by the hair. "Daddy can do it," he said, forcing a reassuring smile to his lips as Marina's sobs reached a fever pitch. Who knew his daughter could achieve sound levels that made the dogs living a mile away howl?

Kneeling on the tiled floor, Dave looked under the table, his heart breaking at his baby's wet eyes. "C'mon, pumpkin," he soothed, holding out his arms, "Come on out from under there."

"No!" Marina shook her head furiously, jamming her thumb in her mouth. "Want mama!"

Inhaling deeply as he inched his way beneath the wide oak table, Dave prayed for his sanity. He was going to make it a mission in life to exact retribution on Aaron Hotchner for sending his wife away for a three day seminar if it killed him. "Soon, Marina. I promise," Dave vowed.

"I want my mama!" Marina yelled, scooting backward as her father advanced.

Making a grab for his little terror's ankle, Dave realized belatedly that yet again Marina's reflexes were quicker, jerking out of his grasp and evading capture. Lunging forward to make another play for his elusive daughter, Dave smacked his head against the table. "Ouch! Sh-"

"Soap, daddy!" Henry chimed in from behind him.

"Sugar!" Dave moaned, "I was gonna say sugar, son!" Blinking rapidly to clear the stars from his vision, Dave focused on his wayward angel.

"Go for the hair, Daddy!" Henry coached from his crouched position on the floor behind him.

"No!" Marina shrieked, slamming both hands to her head. "No pull my hair!"

"Nobody's gonna pull anybody's hair, Marina," Dave said as calmly as he could, his head bending in defeat.

"I want my mama!" Marina pouted, her lower lip jutting out. "I want my mama, daddy!"

"Me, too," Henry concurred, adding his opinion to the medley.

"Me, three! I want my mama, too," Dave groaned, ready to whimper as he heard a familiar laugh from the vicinity of the kitchen door. Turning his head to peer between the chairs, he spotted a familiar pair on no-nonsense black pumps planted on the floor. "Ma?" he called hopefully.

"Nonna?" he heard both his children say simultaneously, their little heads turning toward the sound of the gentle laughter.

"Come out from under there, Marina," her familiar voice called gently.

Watching as his agile daughter darted between the kitchen chairs toward his mother legs, Dave collapsed on the floor. He didn't know whether to be grateful for his mother's unannounced appearance or bitter that he couldn't produce the same cooperation from his own children.

"Hello, bambina," Sofia Rossi's wrinkled face smiled down at her granddaughter, pressing a kiss to her silky hair as she clasped her grandson to her with her other hand. "What have you two been doing to your father?" she asked, eying her son's legs beneath the kitchen table.

"He's hiding mama's body, Nonna!" Marina tattled, burying her face against her grandmother's dress. "Spank 'im!"

Laboriously sliding out from his less than graceful position on the floor below the table, Dave retorted, "I am not!"

"Are, too," his kids announced in unison, both of them turning to stare up into Sofia Rossi's serene face.

"Am not!" Dave argued insistently, his jaw dropping as his mother wrapped her arms around his children consolingly and raised an eyebrow at him. "You know I'm not, Mama," he mumbled, his own cheeks reddening under her scrutiny. "You're on their side, aren't you?" he asked tiredly, meeting his mother's wise eyes.

"I'm their grandmother, Davie. Of course I'm on _their_ side," she informed him with lips that twitched in amusement. "Did you expect otherwise?"

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_**A/N 2 - Hello. We have exactly **__**THREE **__**days left to NOMINATE your favorite authors and stories in the second annual Criminal Minds Profiler's Choice Awards hosted by "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. Random drawings for TWO $10.00 Amazon gift cards will be given to two lucky nominators. To be considered eligible, all you have to do is fill out a ballot in ten categories or more. Winners will be announced October 16, 2011! So **__**PLEASE**__**, take a trip to the forum and grab those ballots!**_

_**Also, sign-ups for the Criminal Minds Christmas Gift Fic exchange are up and running at the forum. Last year was super successful and we hope this year will be equally so. You have until October 31, 2011 to sign up at the forum. Details for both events are located there! Private message us with any questions!**_

_**And don't forget to friend "Ilovetvalot Fanfiction" on Facebook. We've got a huge collection of talented authors and readers alike just waiting to chat.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N - Hello. We have exactly **__**TWO **__**days left to NOMINATE your favorite authors and stories in the second annual Criminal Minds Profiler's Choice Awards hosted by "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. Random drawings for TWO $10.00 Amazon gift cards will be given to two lucky nominators. To be considered eligible, all you have to do is fill out a ballot in ten categories or more. Winners will be announced October 16, 2011! So **__**PLEASE**__**, take a trip to the forum and grab those ballots!**_

_**Also, sign-ups for the Criminal Minds Christmas Gift Fic exchange are up and running at the forum. Last year was super successful and we hope this year will be equally so. You have until October 31, 2011 to sign up at the forum. Details for both events are located there! Private message us with any questions!**_

_**And don't forget to friend "Ilovetvalot Fanfiction" on Facebook. We've got a huge collection of talented authors and readers alike just waiting to chat.**_

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**A Thousand Deaths**

**Chapter Two**

"Nah," Dave grumbled, pulling out a kitchen chair and sinking wearily into it.

Lifting blue eyes to his Nonna, Henry confided, "Daddy almost cussed." Jabbing two fingers in the air, he announced with what Dave interpreted as malicious glee, "Twice!"

Pursing her lips, Sofia's eyes narrowed on her son.

"He said _almost_, mama," Dave pointed out, recognizing the tell-tale glint darkening his own mother's gaze...the look that heralded punishment of some kind. Sweet Lord in heaven, why did he suddenly feel like a recalcitrant five year old about to face the firing squad that had been known as the nuns of St. Inuncio's?

"Thoughts are as destructive as deeds, my son," Sofia said resolutely, reaching for the bar of Dial on the nearby sink.

"Awww, c'mon, ma," Dave whined, cringing when he recognized her intent.

"Daddy's gotta lick the soap! Daddy's gotta lick the soap!" Henry giggled as his nonna dangled the bar in front of her son's face.

"Mama...," Dave shook his head.

"Set a good example for your children, my son," Sofia ordered sternly, her gaze never wavering as she lifted her chin and waited.

Taking the soap from his mother's hand, he huffed, "Well, that one beat me with a spoon," he pointed at Marina. "And that one thinks I'm trying to restructure time to suit my own needs. I don't think I'm batting a thousand in the role-model department, huh?"

Biting her lip to keep from laughing at her only son's theatrics, she watched him shudder as his tongue swiped the soap. Taking the bar back from him, she nodded approvingly. "Well done."

"Mama's gone!" Waiting until her nonna returned to her eyes, Marina tugged on Sofia's dress. "I think daddy kilt her, Nonna," she whispered, her eyes suspicious as they looked at her father.

"What!" Dave exclaimed, his own eyes widening at his daughter's whispered confidence.

"Bambina," Sofia chuckled, touching her granddaughter's cheek gently. "Why would you say that about your father? He loves your mama."

"'Cause before she goed away, I heared her, Nonna! I was outside her door when she kept yellin' "Dave, you're killing me! You're killing me!" Marina stomped her little foot as she added, almost piously, "Killing's bad. Mama said so."

Blushing furiously as his daughter innocently repeated words that he had, in fact, induced his wife to say on their last night together, albeit in a really good way, Dave searched for an explanation that would satisfy his little girl while he watched his own mother choke back laughter. Burying his face in his hands as three sets of eyes turned toward him, two furious and one beyond amused, he, himself, felt as though he died a thousand deaths.

He was going to invest in a gag, whether for his wife or his kids, he wasn't sure yet.

"Daddy? You killed mama?" Henry gaped, blinking slowly.

"Nooooo," Dave groaned into his hands, wondering if this day could get any worse as the back door opened again.

"He's fibbin'," Marina declared obstinately, pulling at her grandmother's hand. "Make 'im lick the soap 'gain, Nonna!"

A well-known female voice interrupted just then. "Now who's been licking soap when I've not been here to administer the punishment?"

Both children screeched at the same time. "Mama!"

As Jennifer Rossi stepped into the brightly lit kitchen of the house that was their home, she smiled widely as her son barreled toward her and her daughter toddled as fast as she could. Kneeling down, she wrapped her arms around her children as she pressed kisses against their warm foreheads. "Did you miss Mama while I was away with Aunt Emily?"

"You's here!" Marina babbled as she smacked her palms against her mother's cheeks. "Daddy tried to kill you, Mama!" the little girl exclaimed loudly as she pointed a chubby accusing finger back toward her beleaguered father. "I heards it!"

"Dave, what exactly have you been teaching our children while I've been away?" JJ asked, curiously meeting her husband's tired eyes.

"It's not exactly something I want to be discussing in front of our children or my mother, Bella, if you get my drift," Dave groaned as he pushed up out of the chair.

"It's nothing I haven't heard before, children," Mama Rossi said with a smile as she reached across the counter for the always-present cookie jar. Pulling out two soft sugar cookies, she held them out toward her grandchildren as she smiled. "Why don't you two go watch The Wiggles for a few moments?"

As his children grabbed the cookies and scampered out of the room, Dave rolled his eyes. "Why is it that they listen to every word you say without complaint and I've had to beg, steal, and borrow to get them to obey the simplest command all week?"

"Because you, my son, are a wimp when it comes to your offspring," Sofia Rossi returned evenly, her serene smile lighting up her face.

"Am not," Dave muttered, staring down at his shoe. He knew he should have installed that trap door years ago. If there ever was a time he'd like to sink through the floor, it would be now.

"Did I miss something important here?" JJ asked, looking between mother and son.

"Marina thought I had you whacked," Dave mumbled guiltily as his mother's amused snort filled the room.

"Why in the world would she think that?" JJ gaped, crossing the room to stand in front of her husband. Jabbing her index finger in his chest, she demanded, "What did you say to her to leave her with that impression, Rossi?"

Jaw dropping, he shifted his gaze between the two most important women in his life. "Why is it that every time something happens, you both find a way to blame me? _You're_ the one that said the words, 'You're killing me, Dave!' babe, not me!"

"I did not!" JJ huffed.

"Didn't you?" Dave challenged, his eyes gleaming as he watched his wife's startled face. "Think back," he instructed.

"Ohhhhhhhh," JJ breathed her eyes flashing with recognition as she realized exactly what her husband was referring to. Shooting an embarrassed look toward Sofia, JJ bit her lip. "Mama, it was his fault," she said quickly, pointing at Dave.

"OF course it was," Dave groaned, lifting his eyes to the ceiling as he gestured helplessly.

"Of that, I have no doubt, bambina," Mama Rossi laughed gently, winking at her daughter-in-law. "I think I'll just go join the children," she chuckled, pulling a few cookies from the ceramic jar. "Davie, do try not to...erhhhmmm...whack your wife so loudly in the future," she ordered before disappearing into the living room.

Sighing heavily as he shifted his focus back to his wife, Dave shook his head. "What are you doing here? I thought your flight didn't land until five," he asked, wrapping his arms around her narrow waist, inhaling the welcome scent of strawberries from her blonde hair.

"We managed to catch an earlier departure time." JJ grinned as she pressed closer to her husband. "Good thing, too, given the fact that you were on the way to psychologically scarring our children for life."

"Babe, if you wanna talk about scars, I've got some very real ones that your kids inflicted on me over the past few days," Dave grumbled, pulling her tightly against him.

"Poor baby," JJ smiled against his whiskered cheek, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Not a big fan of being a stay at home dad this week, huh?"

Resting his forehead against JJ's neck, Dave shook his head. "I don't know how you and Mama do it, Bella. I feel like I've gone three rounds with Ali."

"Oh?" JJ grinned. "And I was kind hoping to kill _you_ tonight," she whispered seductively against his ear.

"I've definitely got something you could whack," Dave growled, nipping her earlobe gently.

"It's a date," JJ promised, pressing her lips to his before dragging him toward the living room and the sound of their happy children.

And as David Rossi followed sedately behind her, he realized it was worth dying a _million _deaths as long as he could do it in her arms.

_**Finis**_

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_*****Hope you liked it, SunnyinOregon!*****_


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